Giving Grace to the Present

This morning Justin and I were talking about someone we’re close to. We were trying to make sense of some things that have been going on, and at one point I said, “Honey, I think we’re believing a narrative we’ve created.

“We’re basing that narrative on who these people have been in the past, and I don’t know if that’s fair. I know I wouldn’t want someone to judge me by a version of me from years ago. I’d want them to leave room for the possibility that I’ve grown.”

As soon as I said that, this analogy popped into my head.

You know how predictive text works on your phone? Sometimes it gets it exactly right. Other times it suggests a word that has absolutely nothing to do with what you’re trying to say. It’s not trying to tell the truth. It’s simply making its best guess based on what you’ve typed before.

I think our brains work a lot like that.

We take a few pieces of information and, almost automatically, our minds start filling in the rest of the story. Your spouse is quieter than usual. Your brain remembers, The last time they were this quiet, we ended up arguing. Predictive text says, Something’s wrong. Or maybe a parent doesn’t answer your call. The last time they didn’t answer, they were upset with me. Predictive text says, I must have done something. Or a coworker walks past without saying good morning. The last time they skipped saying hello, they were frustrated with me. Predictive text says, They’re upset with me.

Or maybe your predictive text isn’t situational. You could be basing the predictive text on who a person has always been in your life. You could be basing the predictive text on their consistent behavior in the past. That’s fair.

We don’t just do this with other people. We do it with ourselves too. You decide you’re going to get healthy again. I’ve started before, and I didn’t stick with it. Predictive text says, I’ll probably quit again. Maybe you’re trying to be more patient. I’ve reacted this way before. Predictive text says, This is just who I am.

Do you see what happened? None of those conclusions came from the present moment. They came from the past. Our brains looked at what had already been “typed” and tried to predict what came next.

That’s not a flaw in the system. It’s one of the ways our brains protect us. Imagine if every experience had to be analyzed from the beginning every single time. We’d never make it through the day. Our brains are constantly looking for patterns so they can prepare us for what might happen next. Most of the time that’s incredibly helpful. It keeps us from having to reinvent the wheel every time we encounter something familiar.

The problem isn’t predictive text. The problem is forgetting that it’s only a prediction.

Awareness gives us the opportunity to pause before we accept that prediction as truth. Kind of like I did with Justin this morning. We were both looking at the same situation, and I realized we were creating a narrative. In that moment, awareness stepped into the conversation and asked, But is that actually true? Or are we filling in the blanks based on who these people have been in the past? Awareness is like having a second voice in the conversation. It’s the part of us that gently interrupts our automatic thinking and asks, Is this what the facts are actually telling me? Or is my brain just trying to autocomplete the story?

That pause can change everything. Just like on our phones, we don’t have to accept the suggested word. We can erase it. We can replace it. We can choose words that actually fit what’s in front of us instead of automatically accepting what our past predicts. If the prediction fits what’s happening, that’s helpful. If it doesn’t, we get to replace it with what’s actually true. That’s how we teach our brains new patterns. Not by getting rid of predictive text, but by giving it better information to learn from.

I’ve been trying to make a habit of meeting people as they are today, not as they were yesterday. I want every person I encounter to have the opportunity to give me a new experience of who they are. I don’t want to look at people through lenses that are so filtered by the past that I never notice they’ve changed.

That doesn’t mean I ignore patterns or abandon wisdom. It doesn’t mean I put on rose colored glasses and pretend everyone is safe or trustworthy. Boundaries still matter. It simply means I don’t want yesterday writing today’s story before today has even had a chance to unfold.

As a general rule, I try to extend more grace than people deserve, myself included. Not because everyone will earn it, but because there have been plenty of times in my own life when I needed that same grace. I know I’m not the same person I was five years ago. Honestly, I’m not even the same person I was a year ago. I’d hate to spend the rest of my life being judged by an older version of myself.

Maybe that’s true for the people around me, too. The next time my brain offers me predictive text, instead of automatically accepting it, I’ll pause, erase the words that don’t belong, and make room for what is actually true. One of the most powerful things we can do is not necessarily believing the first story our minds offer us. It’s giving ourselves and each other the chance to write a new one.

Much love,

Melissa💛